I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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