Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
