I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
