I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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