They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
