im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
