Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
