Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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