my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
