ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want to have your abortion
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
