god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
