What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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