I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
