Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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