Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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