Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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