When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
