Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
