today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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