T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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