i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
