angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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