Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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