you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
