I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
