Tell her she can't have a vagina
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
