dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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