He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
