So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she woke up with a sticky ear
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
