dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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