my vag is so smooth its legendary
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
