im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
