Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
