there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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