I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
