No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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