she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
