I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
