i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
