you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
