Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Randomize
