My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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