i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
