Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
