Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
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