I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
