i already hear my dad disowning me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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