okay pat passed out under dana's car
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
