we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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