New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
