i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
