Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
