gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
