I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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