You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
