You're earring is so big in my mouth
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
